As I approach the second half of life, I often find myself experiencing moments, (sometimes even days!) of depression.

I’ve come to recognize certain aspects of my life have become sources of fulfillment, almost like cravings or mini-addictions. Reflecting on this, I think about the challenges I’ve faced, the negative influences, and how they’ve shaped these aspects and who I am today. There’s a complex interplay between personality type and life circumstances that I think contribute to how you cope. As a thinker and feeler, this craving often leads to depression. Without delving into every detail in this post, during my formative years, I faced sexual abuse and bullying. I now wonder how much these experiences and my survival mechanisms have intertwined with my sense of self-worth. Many psychologists suggest a link, but understanding and internalizing it is a different story. I’m almost ready to start this journey of self-discovery.

In my personal experience, I became obsessed with looking perfect, being sexually desirable, being well-liked, and being accomplished and intelligent—all of which I equate with worthiness and none of which would dare cause someone to reject me!! Even now, at 46, these obsessions persist. Rejection causes intense (burning!) pain, imperfection feels like failure, lack of sexual desirability leads to depression, and I desperately seek approval. The thought of feeling invisible terrifies me. Thankfully, I don’t hold others to these standards.

There will come a time when I must change these patterns for my own well-being. I feel it brewing inside, bubbling to the surface more frequently now. Truthfully, my looks and sex appeal, which I work very hard to maintain (and not that I’m a superbabe to begin with!), are fading. My memory isn’t the same but I do keep my brain active, and seeking approval at this age feels even more creepy than it did growing up! I’m reaching a point where finding worth within myself is crucial and I feel lost. I can’t change who I am or what happened to me—those aspects were set long ago. But I can and do recognize my challenges and will need develop strategies to navigate this.

I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m working on it.

Does anyone else think about fulfillment and how it changes over the years?